mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
