I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
