that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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