At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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