im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
