My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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