She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
