I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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