i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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