Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize