I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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