Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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