she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
