mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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