Fine. I'll sleep in my office
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
