That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
