dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
