so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize