checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
