i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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