This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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