Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
We are all done wearing pants today
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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