Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
