I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
