based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Dick very happy bro
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
