Princesses don't give blow jobs
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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