I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
