she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
