I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
