I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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