she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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