what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Randomize
