I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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