I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
whose ass print is on the piano?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
