He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
