i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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