Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
