Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
