thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
