tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize