The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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