i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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