Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
