Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It was confusing and full of hummus
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
