You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
