dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
