I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
