I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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