he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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