So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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