Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
