dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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