Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
