I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
