My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
