Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
