After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
