i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
